What now

So today’s afternoon task (structure of day courtesy of the baby’s nap times…) was to unfollow all teacher-related people / organisations on Twitter. I’d been considering it for a while, and putting it off because 1) unfollowing things on Twitter is more of a faff than it should be, and 2) the idea of removing myself from the edu-twitter world is scary. And sad.

Don’t get me wrong. I am still glad I made the decision to be a stay-at-home mum. Lockdown would have been so much harder if both of us were still working – and I’m getting to be there for every new discovery the kiddo is making. Like his nostrils. And the ability to blow the most disgusting raspberries. (Aside: reader, he walks runs!) But the twitter move seemed to me to be finally admitting I wasn’t going to need to ‘dip my toe in’, or ‘stay engaged’ anymore. Not for at least years. And that was scary. And sad.

I’m slightly ashamed to admit that I still struggle not to say things like ‘oh yeah I’m a stay-at-home mum now, but I taught in a secondary school for X years and oh yeah, before that I worked as…) Reflecting on why, I guess it’s a combination of pride and insecurity. So while the step was scary and sad, I’m hoping it is a step towards combatting the pride and insecurity. Now I’m not saying there is anything wrong with me having been proud of what I did. But I suspect the pride was not wholly because I was ‘making a difference’. For one, I’m still clearly making a difference now; the kiddo is saying words, learning to jump, giggling manically all day long… and yet. And yet.

One of the things I’ve been reflecting on this year is intrinsic versus extrinsic motivations. Despite myself, I am still extrinsically motivated. I crave recognition, praise, admiration – the very things my faith tells me are empty. I know they are empty. They’ve proven themselves, time and time again, to be empty. But my experience in consciously tackling that craving this year has shown me how deeply entangled the lies I’ve learned about how to value myself are with how I actually value myself. ‘My worth is not in what I own’, sing the Gettys. It’s not in what I do, either, or how clever I can prove I am, or how successful I appear. I know that. I know that. And yet.

So I guess the point of this post is to remind me I have reasons to check myself when I feel scared or sad about where I am now, about what I’m doing – or not doing. I have spent a lifetime being reminded that I have potential to fulfil. I’m going to spend a lifetime reminding myself that the life of Christ himself is being fulfilled in me.